Yeah, a new journal already. To replace the crap that is crap. To those of you who would comment I'll ask please don't, not right now, give it at least a few weeks. Because sometimes our attempts to make it valid, to show we agree or accept, only make it trivial. As shitty as it may sound, right now I don't care what you think. These are my thoughts on their own. They don't need your approval, and they don't need your scorn. So why post it at all? Because this is me, and I'll share with those who want to listen. And it lifts a weight sometimes, when I'm tired of being pissy for no reason.

I’ve always thought of myself as a pessimist. A realist. Someone who saw and understood the way the world worked. Now I’m not so sure I have that kind of clarity. But that’s ok. I’m not so sure I want it. I left at 1:30 in the morning to walk where I would and then return home from a bar. I was alone. I am a twenty two year old female. Yes there have been recorded assaults in the area (not many, this isn’t ole NYC). And maybe that makes me stupid. But anymore I see it different. I had absolutely no fear. I walked across streets without even realizing that’s what I was doing. Yes, I was that oblivious buffoon. But see, that buffoon doesn’t die nine times out of ten. A car swerves, brakes are applied, and swear words are applied as necessary. I believe in the basic goodness of people. Still not as a whole. I wouldn’t count myself that stupid just yet. But a person when considering the welfare of another person is generally good. That is why I will not get raped, mugged, or assaulted. I am a beacon to the world, saying come and get me, because I know you won’t. I know you’re better than that. I’m tired of hearing about “we’re in martial arts, we can defend ourselves” Because while it’s true to a degree, while we could beat the uninformed average joe, I don’t think I’m bullet proof. There are some people who are just stronger. There are some people who are just faster, and there are just some people who’ve been in way more honest to God, we don’t care if we hurt each other fights. And there’s no substitute for that. So is my orange belt, green belt, red belt, or hell even black belt going to save me (not that I have a black belt, I am the forever orange)? No. Or should I better rephrase, not always. I won’t act like it will. But I digress. “Here I am world, come and get me.” Not because I think I can take you on, because I know I can’t, but because you won’t. I will not be afraid to walk down the street alone at night, because I have done nothing wrong, I have no reason to be afraid. For every statistic we see about people who’ve been attacked, people who didn’t make it home, there are more who did. I will not live afraid. I am a “not statistic” until I am. It’s such bullshit that I can’t stop and pick up a hitchhiker. Yes, some people’ve been killed that way, or robbed that way, or whatever that way. You never hear about the people who weren’t. The people that made someone’s life that much easier, because they drove them those twenty miles down the road. What’s wrong with being one of them? I’ve always thought of myself as a pessimist. But I’m not. I’m an optimist. God help me.